Selfish

There’s a lot of things I would in over in life if I had the chance. For instance, I wouldn’t wait 8 years to date my best friend. How can someone be so blind to the one person that would cross oceans just to see you smile? What kind of person doesn’t notice all the patience, understanding, and knowledge that person has of you and just goes on like nothing is happening? A selfish one, that’s who.

For the longest time I thought of myself as someone who puts others first, but, this year, I realized I am not. There’s always that part of me that either wants to be doing something else, or says I can’t do something just so people will change their plans to do things around me. That’s not the kind of person I want to be, yet there’s always that urge for me to be miserable so people will go out of their way to make me happy.

An example. There’s a girl I’ve never really gotten along with. Do I hate her? No at all. So then why not get along with her if I have no reason to dislike her? The answer is this, because she is better than me. She treats her friends like they should be treated, not half-ass like me. I mean yes I go out of my way and buy Christmas presents for my guy friends every year, and for their birthday, and just because. I also hang out with them as often as possible, but when she’s around, I don’t want to be anywhere near them. I put my feelings before theirs. I don’t hang out with them when she is, just because I want them to tell me they wished I was there and that it would’ve been more fun if I was around. And they always tell me this. They always tell me I’m more fun than she is, and that they wish I came along, yet they keep inviting her. 
This always boggled me until I realized it was because she went whether she knew I was there or not. She wasn’t going to let me stand in the way of her getting to see people that meant a lot to her. I on the other hand, am willing to give up seeing them for my own selfish actions of the need to feel wanted, and who wants to hang out with someone like that. Yes, my friends still stand by me, why I have no idea, but I’m lucky that they do.

Think about this though. It took my dad saying “it’s a good thing she’s dating Richard because no other guy would ever put up with her,” and Richard telling me how stressed I make him for me to realize how far gone I am…not to mention how wrong I am. I mean I couldn’t even get out of the car to go to dinner. My boyfriend was actually trying to do something nice for me, something anyone in their right mind would be thankful for, and I couldn’t even get out of the car. Ridiculous, I know. And I will put some of the blame on other boyfriends and how horrible they treated me. None of them would’ve ever thought to take me out to dinner, or to hold my hand in the car, or text me every morning just to say I’m wonderful (with a smile face). You might think that it would be easy to accept someone actually being nice and caring about you, but in reality it’s really hard for me. I’ve gotten so used to being treated like dirt that it shocks me and makes me nervous when someone puts me first.

Another reason why I can come up with my selfishness is that my friends are too, selfish in their own ways. I have a friend that would never tell me he missed me when I was away for two months, yet I know he did. I’ve been through so many things with him, like his mother’s death, helping him move out of his house and into an apartment, and simple things like helping him with everyday errands. And yet he still can’t bring himself to say he missed me. One of the first things he said to me that I can remember when I got home was that he doesn’t have time to be my friend anymore. Granted, he had been drinking, and didn’t mean it, it still hurt. He protects himself just like I do, who wants to get close to someone when you lost both your parents, and are probably afraid of everyone else leaving you. I know I wouldn’t want to deal with that, but still, having friends that can’t admit they miss you has to do some damage, no?

And then there’s the friend that for many years I had a huge crush on. Why? Right now I could not give you one answer except for the fact that I saw in him everything I was overlooking in my current boyfriend. I was blinded by my want for him to be someone he wasn’t. I wanted to be able to change him and make him want me, and he knew this. And he continued to lead me on for 4 years. For four years I disregarded someone’s feelings that now mean more to me than I ever thought possible, just because I thought his best friend was the guy for me. Selfish yes, but also another thing I would do over in my life. Being called just to go watch a movie, which actually led to things I am not proud of anymore, is not someone I want to be. Everyone makes mistakes, I know this, but this is one I have certainly learned from.

My friends are special people, yet without meaning to, or knowing they do, they always put me down. For the most part I know it’s out of love, I know it’s because they care about me, and want me to be strong, but sometimes I just need that person to be weak with. I need someone to look at me and tell me they miss me, and that they do want to hang out with me, and everything is better when I’m there, but also that I need to put more effort into it because they care about me more than I believe they do. I know I have Richard to tell me these things, but sometimes I need to hear it from the person that hurt me, so I can take that and patch up the pieces of my heart that are currently blocked off. Once again this is selfish seeing as I already have someone that makes me happy beyond belief, but like Pop Evil says “too much is never enough and too little is never enough.” 

Now, I’m not a bad person, I haven’t always made the right decisions, but for the most part I think my intentions are in line. The other day Richard told me sorry means nothing unless that person actually tries to change what they’re sorry about. I, for one, say sorry all the time. At one point I was told my sorrys are empty because I say it so often. I didn’t see this until the other day when I saw that I had hurt Richard more than I ever wanted to. When I would say sorry to people I always felt I meant it, but I never really tried to change what I did wrong. I felt like that situation would never come up again, so I wouldn’t have to deal with it. But it does, in different forms. Sorry is a big thing to me, when people say it to me, it means a lot, because I always say it and no one ever says it back. I always thought it was because they didn’t care enough to say it to me, but in reality it was the complete opposite. They only say it when they know it will mean the most, and for that I’m really grateful.

I’ve taken a lot of things for granted, especially my best friends. This past year I met someone who didn’t have the chance to have the friends I have back home, and that really shocked me. As I go through college I realize how lucky I am to have my friends back home. I have people to look forward to when I get to school and when I get home. I have people that care about me on both ends of my path. And it took me hurting someone I never wanted to for me to realize all this. I am not the person I want to be. I apologize too much, I care about myself more than others, and I don’t have the strength to let someone do things for me because I see it as a weakness in letting my guards down, and yet I still have people that love me for who I am. People that would want stand beside me if I was stranded on the side of the road in the rain, just so that they could be there to keep me company. Why? Beats the shit out of me. But now, when asked if I would be friends with me, I’ll say no, but that I’ve found people that are willing to make me realize I should be.